Interpersonal Effectiveness DEARMAN

D Describe
E Express
A Assert
R Reinforce
M Mindful
A Appear Confident
N Negotiate

Relationship Effectiveness GIVE

G Gentle
I Interested
V Validate
E Easy Manner

Self-respect Effectiveness FAST

F Fair
A Apologies (no Apologies)
S Stick to value
T Truthful

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DESCRIBE

Describe the event: (Examples: “I’ve been working here for 2 years now and haven’t received a raise, even though my performance reviews have always been positive.” “This is the third time this week that you’ve asked me for a ride home.”)

EXPRESS

Express feelings/opinions about the situation clearly. How do you feel or what do you believe about the situation.
Don’t expect the other person to read your mind or know how you feel. Give a brief reason for making your request.
(Examples: “I believe that I deserve a raise.” or “I’m getting home so late that it is really hard for me and my family. But I also really enjoy giving you rides home, and it is hard for me to say no.”)

ASSERT

Assert your wishes. Ask for what you want. Say “NO” clearly. Don’t expect the other person to know what you want them to do if you don’t tell them (don’t expect them to mind read). Don’t tell others what they “should” do. Don’t beat around the bush… Just bite the bullet and ask, or say “NO.” (Examples: “I would like a raise. When will I expect that raise?” or “But I have to say ‘no’ tonight. I can’t give you a ride home so often.”)

REINFORCE

Reward people who respond positively to you when you ask for something, or say “no” to. Sometimes it helps to reinforce with people before they respond to your question by telling them the positive effects of getting what you want or need. The basic idea here is that if people do not gain from complying with a request, at least some of the time, they may stop responding in a positive way at all. (Examples: “I will be a lot happier and probably more productive if I get a salary that reflects my value to the company.” or “Thanks for being so understanding. I really appreciate it.”)

STAY MINDFUL

Keep your focus on your objectives in the situation. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted onto another topic.

Two helpful techniques for staying mindful:

1. Broken Record. Keep asking, saying “no,” or expressing your opinion… over and over and over. You just don’t have to think up something new each time, just keep saying the exact same thing. Keep a mellow tone of voice… your strength comes from maintaining your position.

2. Ignore. If the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject. IGNORE, the threats comments or efforts to divert you. Just keep making your point. If you respond to these attacks, you have allowed the other person to take control of the situation. If you want to deal with the attacks… deal with them in another discussion.

APPEAR CONFIDENT/DON’T CAVE

Confident tone of voice. Confident physical manner. Appropriate eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, etc… How confident to act in a situation is a judgment call. There is a fine line between appearing arrogant, and appearing too apologetic.

NEGOTIATE WITHOUT BULLYING

Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternate solutions. Reduce your request. Maintain your “no,” but offer to do something else or solve the problem another way. A helpful skill here is “turning the tables.” Turn the problem over to the other person, ask for alternative solutions. (Examples: “What do you think we can do.” or “I am not able to say ‘yes,’ but you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?” and “How can we solve this problem?”)

MIDDOT/MIDDAH USED

WHY?

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